Nine ways to get back at your ex

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No more moping. No more Kleenex-carpeted bedrooms.We are not saying you should maim your ex a la Bobbitt, but you can definitely rename your dog after him. For those who’ve been dumped, cheated on, played around with or not got the lovin’ you deserved, it’s time to even the score. Here are some psycho-woman-crazy but totally doable-to-mend-your-bleedin’-heart ways to get back at your ex.

1. Welcome to hell’s social network
Don’t you just love the Internet? Try blogging, it’s the perfect way to vent and divulge secrets. Like the way he always had to remove every piece of clothing on him before he went to the loo (public or private) for a long job! Or how “Little General” is what he affectionately calls his you-knowwhat, and rightly so, as little it was indeed! Not only will you increase traffic on your blog, you’ll kill his social life too. Say bye bye to Mr Popular!

2. Hello, I is very hot …
This is the ultimate payback in my opinion. Ever noticed those phone numbers scribbled across train compartment walls saying ‘For call boy, please call 9800000000”? Well, revenge is a black marker, his number and a wall in the men’s compartment.
I bet you his cell phone won’t stop ringing. Ahh… nothing like sexual advances from men to piss him off.

3. Now hear this!
Pay the neighbourhood urchins to plant rumour fliers — on trees, softboards, car windshields, wherever — that have the boy’s most drunken picture and lines like “I like wearing women’s underwear. Can you spare a G-string?” or “I have something to confess, I have only one testicle. And date only men. So call me sometime. Please?”

4. Party pooper
I know someone who has actually tried it, and it has worked like a charm. Slip a laxative (or two) in the ex’s drink.There’s nothing more emotionally purging than watching him have a ‘Dumb And Dumber’ moment. Something about the unbearable gripes, that’s
rather charming and satisfying to a woman.Try it!

5. Spring cleaning
Time to de-junk yourself of the ex. Pack everything — mushy and naughty love letters, gifts, lingerie, x-rated videos, everything that reminds you of him — and mail it to the people responsible for bringing him into this world. Don’t forget to add a note saying,“Here are your things. I have no space to hide them any more. Keep your dirty laundry in your own home.” Don’t feel bad now… His parents have to remove those rose-tinted glasses someday!

6. We’re soul sisters, baby!
He’s already waltzed into another relationship? Get super close to his new woman. Make her love and want you as her best friend. This will really get his chaddis in a tangle,worrying about what you are divulging. What you choose to share (“He farts a lot during sex”) or withhold is up to you, of course. However, I do believe sharing is caring, don’t you?

7. Laughter club
Pull up your socks, or skirt, whatever works, dry those eyes and bring out the gossip queen in you. Pick out the key players in your social circle (ie the goss royalty) and casually whisper little funny things about your ex. Let him deal with giggly girls and guffawing guys because everyone now knows about his penchant for animal print undies and his squeaky Tarzan yell...

8. He’s birthday suit ugly
You’re all too familiar with your ex’s routine. Since you know his gym/sports dates at the local club, stop by and be nice… Do his laundry.Tip the boy’s locker room peon if you don’t want to venture in.Then simply use the best washing machine at the gym — the pool. Now sprawl on a deck chair and wait for the screaming naked dude. Ah, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Clichéd, but oh so true.

9. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Crash, Trash, Boom
If your ex has a hot, expensive ride that he treats better than his babe, take some thick butter chicken and spill it on the back seat. It’s a wonderful release for your rage. Just make sure no one sees you. But do make sure you photograph his reaction. His boo-bloody-hooing will make a fine keepsake!

NOTE: Vengeance is not for the faint hearted.Also, the brave souls who are at this very moment contemplating one or more of the above, should especially note that when you actually get over the man, you will feel like a massive idiot for doing these things.That said, go ahead and have a giggle fest with your gal pals, thinking up of rude things to do

Girly jargon decoded

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All you men out there seem to know exactly what women mean when we make statements like “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” or “fine” or “nothing”. But like it or not, we women still have a few mysteries tucked up our sleeves. Yes, it sucks, doesn’t it? But seeing as how it’s Prevention Of Animal Cruelty week (a meaningless coincidence, of course), we women have decided to take pity on you and expand your understanding of women’s vocabulary some more!

Mascara: Just to set the record right, mascara is not black lipstick! It’s a cosmetic that helps a woman to lengthen and darken her eyelashes, just to bat them at you better. So stop worrying – your girl hasn’t gone all Goth on you!

Retail Therapy: Run! These words are going to cost you dearly if you stick around long enough to hear them being uttered. Because, dear man, retail therapy is another term for shopping! Hand over your credit card, NOW!!

Fuchsia: Stop drooling when your better half tells you she’s going to wear fuchsia – it doesn’t mean she’s going to dress in strategically placed flowers for your benefit! Fuchsia is a hot shade of pink, but it isn’t pink. Just as lilac is a hue of purple, while purple is er… purple!

Manliness: When a woman lets you know you look manly, this is what she means – “Shower. Shave. And use some cologne, for God’s sake!” In short, manliness does not mean you look oh-so-handsome and manly. No no, the word for that is ‘hunki-ness’. Yup, we’re entitled to make up words once in a while…

PMS: Oh… if you don’t know this one, you’re in for trouble! Remember how once each month your girl shoots daggers at you (er… figuratively but sometimes literally as well!) and looks like she’s going to kill you if you so much as wear the wrong shade of blue? Yeah, that means she’s PMSing – Pre-Menstrual Stressing. Fear for your life at that time of the month…

Rock: Think above basalt. Granite. Shale. Like maybe in terms of diamonds. Emeralds. Rubies. Sapphires. Because when a woman says rocks, she means the exotic variety whose sparkle she can admire on her hand/ neck. Unless she says something along the lines of, “You have rocks in your head.” You probably had the right picture then…

Communication: Not like in the latest cell phone technology! We want you men to open up to us and talk about your problems or at least, to have a conversation that revolves around more than just food, sex, sports, and various body orifices.

Sarcasm: Still didn’t get the meaning? Never mind, then!

Kiss and Make up!

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It’s been 12 hours since you last fought, but alas, he isn’t coming back to make it all up to you. Because surprise surprise, by some default of Mars and Venus and all that, it’s your fault! But fret not, my pretties, we tell you fun ways to patch up with that special someone after a nasty fight.

1) Make a special photo album/ scrapbook of all the good times you’ve had together. Not only will the memories of better times help you calm down, he’ll be incredibly touched that you actually preserved all the little knick-knacks concerning you two as a couple. Alternatively, you can get digital printouts of all your pictures and make a patchwork quilt of it. Trust me, it’ll serve you well for that ahem… after make up session!

2) Bake him his favourite cake and ice your apology on top of it.

3) Stick little notes on the bathroom mirror, his closet, the fridge etc. telling him just how much you love him and how sorry you are.

4) Pull out all the paints and glitter stashed away somewhere in your closet and make him a card that spells out exactly how sorry you are. Doing something constructive after a fight will make you feel good and the expression on his face when you give it to him will make you feel even better!

5) Send him flowers at work – men like receiving them too! Striped carnations and purple hyacinths work best – they stand for ‘sorry’ in flower symbology.

6) Call up your local radio station and dedicate a song to him and let him know how much you love him and miss him.

7) Get your hands on a snow-white dove and an olive branch and present it to him. If that doesn’t let him know you’re sorry, I don’t know what will!

8) Pack him his favourite lunch for work and put in a little note telling him you’re sorry.

9) Leave a trail of rose petals over your apartment that leads to a big message that lets him know how sorry you are. Better yet, turn down the lights, dress up in a hot little number and show him exactly how much you love him, if you know what I mean!

10) Go over your first date again. Take him to the restaurant where you’ll had your first meal, the club where you shared your first dance, the movie theatre where you shared your first kiss etc. and tell him again why you love him so much.

11) Choreograph a silly dance to your special song and you’ll have him laughing in no time at all!

12) And if nothing else works, rent a helicopter and fly a banner with the words “I’m sorry!” over his office!

Share how you say you're sorry with us. Leave a comment below!

How to give a sensual massage

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A hard day’s work calls for some TLC. And what better way to show you care than with a massage? Get those moves right and loosen up a lot more than those tense muscles...

It goes without saying that giving your partner a massage is as intimate as it gets. In fact, as Bhavna Vohra, CEO, My Foot Reflexology, explains, her Mumbaibased relaxation lounge sees a lot of couples coming in together to get massages at the same time. It’s all about connecting in a cosy, intimate environment.

Start slow and steady
You don’t want to start straight off by pounding those muscles.And no, we don’t mean to be kinky. Start easy. Allow your partner to get familiar with the hand movements. “The process of the massage is meant to invoke the right energy flow,” says Bhavna. So ensure that your partner’s back is straight. Dr Bhagyashree Ingale, of Taj Spa, cautions against applying pressure directly on the spine. Her advice is to work along it. Then slowly work your way towards the outer end, ie towards the waist.

Your strokes need to be firm, deep and continuous.Avoid quick, sudden movements. Keep a steady continuous flow and let one stroke lead to another. Massage his muscles, not his skin.

The right strokes
After the warm up, you can gradually increase the pressure of your hand movements.Work on large muscle groups using firm, even pressure. Concentrate on the neck, back, shoulders and legs. Apply even pressure along the neck and entire spine, working outwards and from up to down.The arch of the back — where it curves towards the buttocks — is a good aaah spot. Make him siiigh when you touch the back of his thighs, calves and shoulder blades. If he works on the computer all day long, pay extra attention to his upper arms, forearm and fingers.

Dr. Ingale stresses on the importance of being careful while massaging sensitive areas like the neck. .“Since it’s a delicate area, we gently use fingertips for simple strokes. Concentrate more on the shoulder joints as it is very relaxing.” Bhavna elaborates,“There are pressure points all over the body which are connected to the different organs,” elaborates Bhavna. “For example, the foot has specific pressure points for the temple, digestive organs and eyes. Sometimes when you apply pressure at the right point there could be pain, which could be a good thing as you are releasing the pressure and sending
positive energy. However, stop if it’s a sharp pain. The mark of a good massage is consistency in the moves.”

Cooling down
Towards the end of the massage, you will need to slow down again. Gradually decrease the pressure on the strokes. Then wipe his entire body down with a soft towel to
remove traces of oil. And don’t blame him if he’s half unconscious and isn’t in the
mood to grab you with both arms... Those are the signs of a job well done!

Mood for thought
Getting the ambience right is half the battle won. Here’s how you can get set.

Lighting
Ah! Lighting is key. No one wants to wear their birthday suit under the scanner. So fluorescent tubelights are out. The dimmer the lights, the better the ambience. Place candles strategically in the room or decorate with flowers.

Fragrance
Take your pick of perfumed oils, scented candles and incense sticks. Certain oils such as rose and jasmine are known to have aphrodisiacal qualities. Do not use petroleum jelly or other lubricants that are not easily absorbed by the skin. But don't use hand lotions either — they get absorbed almost immediately.

Music
What’s a romantic scene without a background score? Some soft music should do the trick. Burn a CD of his favourite ballads and put it on repeat.

Exercise caution
● Make sure your partner has the correct posture. The back should be straight.
● Don’t massage directly on the spine. Always work along the spine.
● Never end a massage abruptly. End gradually, just like you started.
● Don’t try experimenting with a massage if your partner has back or neck
problems. You risk aggravating them.

A grand brand new year!

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New Year’s Eve is just around the corner, and if you’re anything like us mortals, you’re frantically planning something grand to do to bring 2008 in. But sweaty, snooty and over-crowded parties are… *yawns* so passé. So what’s left to do? Why, celebrate the New Year in style with your date, of course!

We tell you ten fun ‘n’ funky ways to bring the New Year in with that special someone. Some are do-able and some are plain stupid, but try anyone of them and we guarantee you a fun time!

1) Book in advance to go skydiving or bungee diving on New Year’s Eve – it’s loads of fun and the adrenaline rush you’ll get from it is much better than anything even the strongest alcohol is capable of throwing at you! Not that we recommend throwing alcohol around – the bottles can be quite heavy, no?
2) Spend the New Year weekend in the shoes of the rich and famous. Book the honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel, go in for day-long couple spa treatments, treat yourselves to a bottle of champagne and some lobster bisque and then put that hotel bed to good use… *winks slyly* Put on a British accent and use a monocle for added effect.
3) Sneak into a country club and go for a dip in the pool when there’s no one around (mind you, no one mentioned skinny dipping!) And just so you know, the threat of being caught is an even bigger aphrodisiac than vanilla…
4) So you’re one of those people who can’t stand the concept of New Year’s. No problem – have an opposite day! You know everyone is going to be dressed in their best and heading out to all these fancy-schmancy shindigs and you’re having none of that. It’s simple then – dress up in your plainest clothes and walk around the city dropping cricket balls on people’s heads in the guise of being at the New York Square. Be sure to keep bail money handy, though…
5) Choose a secluded hill station and go camping – it’s really romantic bringing in the year sitting under the stars, and you’ll be getting away from the hustle and bustle of the city at the same time.
6) Go to Australia! Just so you can be the only one who can brag about bringing in 2008 in a bikini!
7) Spend the day cooking up different cuisines. Every time the clock strikes midnight at different times of the world, share a kiss and enjoy that country’s food (and alcohol!)
8) Sneak into your office and do it in your boss’ desk. You know you’re going to get pulled up for something or the other sooner or later; you might as well have good memories associated with your slave-driver’s cabin...
9) Help out the poor. Volunteer with an NGO to distribute food or clothing to the poor – how’s that for starting the year with a bang!
10) Get loads of fake snow delivered to your house, turn up the air-conditioning and have your own winter fiesta! Make snowmen, roast marshmallows over the stove, cook up some hot chocolate and keep each other warm in whichever way you like!

How to get a man

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We at Femina believe in our duties, and have hence formulated a patented foolproof plan on how to put yourself out there for Mr. Right to stumble upon. That’s right; we show you how to get a man. How to KEEP him though, is completely your problem. At least until we write an article about it…

Go that extra mile
Simply ‘gyming’ is so last season, it is growing poisonous moulds. Try power yoga/ pilates/ spinning/ kettle bells/ the new one that comes out by the time you read this article. These things have special instructors (and a select few participants) who are as yummy as they get, so if you know how to make a move without scandalizing them, life is smooth sailing. Try the usual ‘eye contact-hold-smile’ routine. Then make silly excuses like, “Ooh I can’t get this position right. Will you help me?” The gym is the breeding ground of sexual innuendoes, so you can go crazy without coming across as a perv. Mostly.

Kill the Wabbit
Become a party animal. Dress up and stand outside a popular night club, pretending to have come out for a smoke or something. Look out for the group of stag boys who will inevitably accost you and plead with you to enter the club with them so as to avoid paying the exorbitant stag rates. If you like them say, “Only if you buy me a drink once inside!” If you don’t, mumble something about waiting for friends. That way you get your pick of the lot and they’ll always approach you first. The flipside is that you can’t do it too often; your moral fibre is bound to tug at your heart one day or another. Also, people might think you’re a hooker!

Flex your toes
The quintessential dance class. This is where you’ll find young, exciting, enterprising men who are so comfortable with their masculinity they aren’t afraid of looking effeminate. That, or there is a closet involved there somewhere. Except, what do you do if all your twinkle-toed princes are actually frogs in spandex? Kiss them anyway! It’s a dance class, for heaven’s sake. No one is going to judge you for being experimental.

Learn to be adventurous
People might claim that there is no sure-shot way of landing a mate, but we beg to differ. There is one with a hundred-percent success rate and if you don’t believe us you can try it yourself and document the results. It is so good, that if a company could’ve bottled it and sold it under a fancy brand, they would’ve done it already. That golden key to the heart of a man is *cue drumroll* - having a lesbian fling. All you have to do is find a willing girl and do the deed, or pretend to, it doesn’t matter. Never really talk about it though, always allude to it and let his imagination fill up the blanks, if you know what I mean. It is guaranteed to make him woo you and if it makes you any happier, then the term ‘jackrabbits’ comes to mind while describing what comes after…

Heartbreaker

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He leers at anything remotely female. You deal with it. He ignores you when his friends are around. You still deal with it. But… *gasp*! Did he just hit on your best friend behind your back? You can’t deal with it! That man’s got to go, and we tell you how to do it without hurting him too much.

1) Food For Thought: Think about what you’re about to do. Sure, y’all have been getting along less and less over time, but is it something you can resolve between yourselves and have you reached the point of no return? Answer this question honestly and then think about breaking up – it’ll save you both a lot of heartache later on.

2) Quick Draw: Now that you’ve decided to break up, do it quickly. Don’t hem and haw over the matter and put off telling him till 2050 – it’ll only make him feel cheated and betrayed. Strike when the iron is hot – in the long run, he’ll thank you for it.

3) It’s Personal: Sure, breaking up over the phone or Internet is the simplest way to go, but hello? Would you like it if someone did that to you? ‘Course not! So do unto him as you’d want him to do onto you – fix up a face-to-face meeting at a relatively quiet place. Clear up your schedule for the day though; you never know how long these things take and it won’t do to suddenly flee for that hair appointment, will it?

4) Honest Goodbye: Be clear about the reasons you want to break up with him and remember, honesty is the key here. At the same time, don’t go about hurling accusations and meting out blame – it takes two to tango and that applies as much to the failure of a relationship as to the relationship itself. Never resort to cruelty to prove your point.

5) 20 Questions: Answer all his questions about the break up as honestly as possible, without skirting the issue. Sure, it might get tedious and you’ll end up repeating yourself, but hey, you’ve found your closure – let him have his, too.

6) Grateful Dead: While you’re ringing the death knell for your relationship, take a moment to think back about all the good times you’ve shared. Make it a point to tell him how much you appreciated your time together, and while it was fun while it lasted, it’s time to let go.

7) Don’t See Red: Chances are your guy, er… ex-guy will accept everything stoically and then go home and sob his eyes out. However, there’s also a good chance he’ll scream and shout and blame everything on you. Don’t lose your temper with him – put yourself in his shoes instead. You’d probably react similarly if someone dumped you, wouldn’t you? Let him stew for a bit and explain things to him when he’s calmed down.

8) Push And Pull: Just to assuage your own guilt, don’t try to be your ex’s best friend. Calling or messaging him, inviting him for coffee etc. might send out the wrong signals and will only make him feel worse. Let him decide the future of your relationship – sometimes a clean break is the best way to go.

9) Touch Me Not: All hunky dory till now, but what if your guy refuses to take no for an answer? “We can still work through this,” he whimpers pleadingly, clutching at your feet. Before his behaviour gets any more stalker-ish, firmly tell him you’ve made up your mind and walk away. Then promptly call up one of his friends and ask him/ her to help your ex move on. If the situation worsens and he still follows you around like a lost puppy, threaten him with the police – that nearly always works!

Ultimately, there’s no way to break up with someone without hurting his/her feelings. Try implementing these pointers though – it might make things easier… for both of you!